Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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