i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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