The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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