So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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