3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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