you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
