i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
