I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
