My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
