So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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