somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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