these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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