The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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