i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
lol hangovers are for mortals.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
