The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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