Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
