So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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