sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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