whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
