Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm bleeding and have questions
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
