no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
