she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
