Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
