so that wasnt chicken after all
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
