We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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