he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
