Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
