We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
