that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
