Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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