so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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