i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
