Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
