I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize