I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
