ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
