Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I will pee on everything he values.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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