Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
