I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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