I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
