My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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