the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i drank out of a bidet.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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