it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize