I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
If I had your ass I would rule the world
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
