the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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