I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
