You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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