Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Of course I have a pirate flag
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
