So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
