we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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