So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
