I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
