I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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