She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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