Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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