you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
