dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
