and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
