In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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