My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
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